I am NOT a “cute” drunk

I LOVE romantic comedies. They would be the only genre of movies I would watch if it weren’t for the fact that almost all of my friends and family hate them. However, last night my mom was over to watch a movie, and being the hopeless romantic that she is, happily obliged to the movie of my choosing.

It was the typical rom-com story line with a slight twist.. Man falls in love with Woman on HER wedding day, spends the entire next hour working to woo the crap out of her and convince her to leave A-hole husband for him. Of course Woman eventually does leave A-hole and finds Man to let him know what a good noble human he is in comparison to A-hole. When she finally does go see him, she is piss drunk. And ADORABLE.

This got me thinking about all of the rom-coms I’ve ever seen… 9 times out of 10 there is a scene that the girl is obliterated and the man just finds her even more endearing.

It is this moment, every single time, that makes me think “ahhhhhhh that’s why I need to keep drinking!”

In my drinking days after seeing this moment, I would always think to myself “This is exactly why I cant stop drinking, if I get sober, I’ll never have adorable moments like this that make men fall madly in love with me.”

This time when I watched “the moment” my first thought was “crap. I am never going to have that again.” I then realized, that I am never going to have that moment whether I’m sober or drinking. Because I am NOT cute when I drink.

I am a fall down, black out, break my ankle, punch you in the face, piss my pants kind of drunk.

I believe there were one or two times in my drinking career that at the beginning of a relationship, when I was on my absolute best behavior, a man said “you’re kind of cute when you’re drunk.”
There are no sweeter words on earth that could have been said to a female alcoholic like me.
There was nothing I wanted to be more than the girl who could be classy with a glass of wine while also being able to handle shots of whiskey with my man.

Unfortunately, I am not that girl in any way. I am the girl that drinks two bottles of wine at dinner, spills most of it on myself, begins slurring my words, tries to have sex with you in a closet, and passes out in the middle, then wakes up and punches you in the face for not finishing.

Yes, that’s the kind of drunk I am.

So after watching this movie and thinking for a moment that maybe, just maybe, I could try to be that girl one last time… I decided to play the tape through. Sometimes, it’s really hard for me to get to the end of that tape because those tapes end in black outs. Which means I’m only left with the parts that seem adorable in my own mind.

Now here’s where it gets interesting for me. I used to always tell my friends not to tell me a single thing that I did or said when I was blacked out that would make me cringe. Being the obedient friends that they are, they decided to record black out Steph on her 21st birthday. I have avoided these videos for the past 8 months as if they were the black plague.

But last night, as I had trouble playing the reel through in my own head, I thought it would be a good idea to use a visual aid.

I texted that friend and asked her to send me the videos from that night. *shivers*

As I tried to watch these videos my stomach immediately began to turn. I couldn’t hold myself up, I was screaming at people, I had pizza sauce all over my legs, mascara down my face, and a cigarette burn through my favorite shirt. I finally couldn’t take it anymore at the scene with me on the floor with my legs spread yelling about needing more pizza.

Adorable, right?

Now I know, many people may say “well, that was your 21st birthday, everyone gets a little crazy.” But what’s really scary to me, was that I had been THAT messed up at bare minimum 4 times a month for the past 5 years.

YIKES.

Moral of the story: Sober me is cute, Drunk me is a fucking disaster. For me, there is no in between.
I will never be the adorable drunk girl in the rom-com box office hits. What I will be is the girl who is honest, clear minded, comfortable in her own skin, and not fearful of telling someone how I feel without chemical aid. That is more than adorable, that’s real, that’s admirable.

That will be me.

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “I am NOT a “cute” drunk

  1. We are not “cute” drunks, in fact no drunk is ever cute. Great post. As always the “drunk” is portrayed as the bumbling,stumbling (not real life) person. That’s why I enjoyed “Leaving Las Vegas” a really true portrayal of what my life and many like me was really like. Keep up the great work and have a great 24.

    Art

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve never seen Leaving Las Vegas, but I’ll have to keep it in mind for my next movie night.

      Its amazing how much I’ve noticed since getting sober about how warped the perspective of drunk people is in television and movies. Every time I watch people getting hammered on the tube, I think that is not drunk! I have to remember that it’s not real, and people do not act that together with that many drinks in them!

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are correct. Society doesn’t want to admit the other side of alcohol. After all these years. Leaving Las Vegas is about an alcoholic. Nicolas Cage won the Best Actor award for the most stunning and accurate portrayal I’ve ever seen. Do yourself a favor and watch it.

        Like

    • Thank you, I’m very happy you enjoyed it! Frankly I squirm everytime I think of those videos…. or really any blackout that I’ve heard bits and pieces about. I easily could have gone my entire life without seeing that video and been much happier. But since I know that it IS in existence, it’s nice to know that I have a backup method of remembering just how bad I can get.

      Like

  2. I continue to be blown away by the honesty in the sober blog world. It’s all new to me, but so refreshing and helpful. There is more honesty with recovering addicts than anywhere else I’ve seen. I fricking love it. This was a great post. Thanks so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad you love the honesty! When I was first getting sober it made me so uncomfortable everyone being so honest. It felt like an alternate universe! Though today it still feels like another world, I now embrace it and have come to love this way of life.

      Like

  3. “Thinking it through” is definitely a good reflex to have, and then asking for help with the visualization is admirable. Two thoughts 1) Thank God my worst drinking days were before Facebook and 2) i wish i had your gift of self-realization when i was 21.

    Like

    • I had to laugh out loud when I read thought number one! Thankfully my friends love me enough to never post anything like that on social media. I was quite surprised to know she still had the video.

      As for thought number two, thank you, I feel very blessed to have realized that I have a problem this early in life. At first it seemed like a death sentence, like I was losing my twenties… I quickly realized that if I had decided to continue consuming alcohol, most of this coming decade would be spent in a black out. It was beautiful coming to the realization of what all I was truly gaining.

      Like

  4. I married someone just like your description, ten years on and two children and your description is just as valid now. I often wake up next to a puddle of piss in the bed, I’ve come home from work to discover the children in the bath while the hot water is running. She doesn’t realise that that behaviour erodes trust. Thanks for your post, it’s been useful for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. True dat. The romanticism and portrayal of drunkeness as a benign entity happens often. There are some fab movies which do get into the dirty cesspool of what it is to be an alcoholic / hard drinker. There are books that show the crap that we go through…or more realistically, what crap we put *others* through. But in our active years, we are attracted to the white-washed versions of drunkeness. How many writers thought wistfully of being the next Hemingway or Joyce or the few other well know alcoholic authors out there. Many who died much too young, in fact. We have these notions that our drunk natures make us taller, funnier, wittier, smarter, more in tune with all. And yet it’s a facade. That sloppy, slurrying, touch anything with a pulse, pissing, yelling, crying, etc. type persona is what often comes out with us. I was like that too.

    Anyway, great post. Spot on. Thanks for this.

    Paul

    (And I am with Al on this one – I had to wait until I was 40 to see what you’re seeing)

    Like

    • You’re very right. But I think what attracts me most to these characters on the tv is the fact that they are normal drinkers. Yes they get drunk sometimes, but they can enjoy just a glass of wine. Sometimes I get upset that I can’t do that, but I’ve accepted that I can never be that person. And that’s okay!

      I’m glad you liked the post!

      Like

      • I think it’s just part and parcel of where we’re at and who we are. I am sure those with certain food allergies get angery at times that they can’t have X, Y or Z. But they know that it just can’t happen. Same with me. Yeah, even after a few short years, I still get those thoughts. Not that I want to drink, but that that is gone for good. Ruined it…lol. But the thought quickly passes and just think of the cool things that I get to do sober. Its’ just not a biggie.

        Thanks again 🙂

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s